February 14, 2012

The Pregnancy Identity Crisis


Oh baby, where are you?
It's just so strange. It's as if I don't care about myself anymore. You'd think that, because I'm carrying a fragile life inside of me that I am supposed to take care of, I'd eat even better than I did before, and I'd exercise even more, and I'd be extremely joyous. I mean, I'm FINALLY pregnant! I've been hoping for this for so long. But I have been struggling. I don't love myself anymore. I can't stomach vegetables, my favorite dishes have become my least favorite. It's so strong that it makes me gag to even think about it. I dislike this new body- I'm always sick to my stomach, or battling migraines, or rejecting salads while I reach for a piece of cake. Who am I?!?! I don't recognize myself, I have no idea who I am anymore and I am struggling with it. I don't have any control over it. It changes every day. I've seemed to stop caring about myself or something. About what is put in my body, about health. Oh God, oh God, I am so weak.

And yet, I am blessed. Because I do not have to depend on my own strength, but on God's strength living in me. I know I can do this, it's just such a struggle.  

I miss running. I miss the beautiful feeling of going faster going farther than yesterday. I miss those delicious, filling, rich green monster smoothies. I miss how good they taste, how amazing my body feels afterwards. I miss being different at work - the only one who cares less about the junk food, and inspires people to eat fruit instead. I miss being the different one - who never goes out to eat, always cooks delicious meals, and feeds my hubby. I miss cooking for him, cooking for us, and loving it. I miss making him smile with new dishes, his same ol' favorite dishes. I miss him. I miss him. I miss feeling strong, alive, awake. I miss those incredible workouts in the gym. I miss pushing my body to grow stronger - doing things I was never able to do before. I miss growing. I miss loving my body. I hate it now. I miss a life of zero headaches, of a happy body working the way it should - on all plants and no garbage. On exercise. I miss it so much. I miss Green Lake with Edu. I miss surprising him with my time. I miss races. Racing with him - training Saturday mornings. I miss waking up before 5am to run at the high school track with him. I miss seeing him at every lap, being inspired and motivated. I miss growing with him. I miss being happy about life, excited about life, inspired by other people's lives. I miss talking to God and thanking Him. All I do now is ask Him to help me.

I miss it all so much.
Oh, hormones...

No comments:

Post a Comment