February 24, 2012

Really Hormones, Really?!

10 weeks and some days pregnant.
depression is back. I really wish I could simply focus on my Savior and be totally filled. All I want is to be genuinely happy, especially toward my mom in the morning, as we drive to work. She deserves so much better, and I treat her very poorly when I'm grumpy. I think four whole days have come and gone, four opportunities to get out of bed and do a workout before work. And I have ignored each one, out of pure laziness. Before this week, it seemed almost impossible to wake up before 6:15. I was exhausted, the energy had been sucked out of me from baby, and nausea made even a simple bicep curl with a 5lb weight a rough task. So I listened to everyone, I took things down a notch, I rested. And now I can't break the habit. I don't need the extra hour of lazy sleep anymore, I go to bed at a lovely time and feel great at 5am. Sometimes I just lie there and imagine my entire workout - whether it be a fun time in the living room in a sports bra and capris with my mini-tummy hanging out, doing yoga with a 30-something year old shirtless guy that has nicer hair than I do, or a 20-minute something or other on the carpetted floor right in front of our bed (do push ups! Then plank! Then lunges! Side lunges? Sure! More push ups!). But I struggle. Dang bed, dang comfy sheets, stupid soft, squishy pillow, darn dark, cozy room, blasted sleep-loving new self!

And because of this, foolishly, I have found myself depressed. And disrespectful to those I love most. All because I feel fat n' lazy, and I'm not used to it. I've really come to believe that if only I had an awesome baby bump to rock, and maaaybee I could eat one leafy green or one raw carrot without gaging, that all of these other symptoms would be easier to handle. If only. But that will come with time (or so I've heard) so I must be patient and embrace all these crazy changes. I must. I just must. "But I can't, I simply can't!" (Said with a British accent).

lentil burger on sprouted bun with pickle joy.
lentil meatballs and homemade chunky vegetable sauce with kale
At least there's food, right?

the end!

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